Yesterday morning the alarm went of at 5:30, as it does every morning.
I hit the snooze button for the boyfriend, as I do every morning.
I got up to go downstairs and make coffee, as I do every morning.
And then I fell down the stairs.
Which is not something that happens every morning.
Now, I'll be the first to tell you I'm less than graceful. On more than one occasion, I've been called a klutz. But this was decidedly not my fault. The light in the stairwell doesn't work and the carpet on the stairs is cheap and old. In the darkness I misplaced my foot and my heel hit the worn edge of the top step and shot out from under me. My foot skimmed over the next couple of steps, the matted synthetic carpet acting as a greased skid, and down I went. I'm surprised the horrible carpet didn't catch fire from the friction. In hindsight, I probably would've been better off if I'd let go of the handrail and let gravity take it's course, but in the split second I first felt myself falling I executed a Vulcan death grip on the rail which accomplished nothing more than snapping my arm back into a direction it was never intended to go. And ultimately it was for naught, since all it did was delay the inevitable for a nanosecond.
I tumbled halfway down the stairs. I would have gone all the way down but the stairs switch back so I ended up in a ball on the landing. I was stunned, to say the least, and in a lot of pain. At some point on the way down I had bounced off my left shoulder, elbow and knee. My right shoulder, on the arm that had held onto the rail, felt like it had been dislocated.
I assumed the noise would have waken everyone up; it sounded as if someone had dumped a bag of bowling balls down the stairs. And if that didn't do it, surely my moaning and wailing would. I anxiously looked to the top of the stairs expecting to see the shocked faces of the dogs and the boyfriend.
Nada.
In the silence I could make out my older dog snoring.
I flashed on the "I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial. I took a moment to collect myself and assess the situation. Although everything was throbbing nothing appeared to be broken. I gently got up and slowly made my way down the remainder of the stairs. I was heading to the kitchen when I started feeling light headed. I could feel the blood drain out of my face as I broke out in a cold sweat. I knew this feeling - this is how I felt several years ago when I broke my leg. I detoured to the couch before I passed out. On second thought, it did now appear that I had actually dislocated my shoulder. I sat on the couch for a couple of minutes wondering what I should do when suddenly I felt my shoulder snap back into place. Voila! Really? That's how it works? Within a minute or so, I felt fine. Banged up, but fine. I limped to the kitchen and put the coffee on.
As I hobbled back up the stairs, the snooze alarm went off and boyfriend was pulling himself out of bed.
"Everything OK?" he asked, obviously seeing I was still in some distress.
"Everything's fine" I said. "Coffee's on and I fell down the stairs."
Later that day, In the mail I received my complimentary AARP card.
Is this really how it's going to be?
I have glimpsed the future, and it looks very painful.
