We Gather Together

Well, we made it through the family Thanksgiving relatively unscathed.  A minor miracle, seeing as how the holiday fell so soon after the election.

You see, my sister and brother-in-law are Wingnuts.

That wasn't always the case.  They've always been Republican, but they used to be the thoughtful, intelligent sort, the ones formally referred to as Rockefeller Republicans, the liberal on social issues, fiscally conservative kind.  Somewhere during the Bush years, probably shortly after 9/11, they took a hard right turn into Crazytown.  That's when I remember the Glenn Beck stickers start showing up on their car.

My parents, by contrast, started out as good solid Midwestern Republicans but over time have shifted to being even more liberal than me and the boyfriend.  I think it was because of Nixon.  I remember a family trip back to the East Coast during the summer of 1973 where my mother insisted we stay at the Watergate hotel and tour all the highlights of the then ongoing Watergate investigation.  My folks even bought me a wanted poster featuring photos of all the Nixon staff.  Good times.  They've been solid Democrats ever since.

But back to Thanksgiving.  Family get-togethers had already grown tense, but the election of Obama sent my sister and brother-in-law clear 'round the bend.  Innocuous small talk would veer violently into talk of Death Panels and Re-education camps and secret U.N. agendas.  My brother-in-law would rail on and on about gun rights and grow enraged when I pointed out the fact he didn't actually own any, you know, guns.  An innocent comment about the weather would launch a full scale attack on "so-called" climate change.  Each holiday seemed to grow increasing worse and we finally reached our nadir a couple of years ago at an Easter Brunch with my sister chasing after me in the parking lot screaming "Socialist!  Socialist!  Socialist!"

So, we, banned any mention of politics from that point on.

The question remained whether the truce would hold, what with the re-election of the Kenyan Anti-colonialist Usurper.

And, for the most part, it did.

My sister briefly went off on an anti union tirade, but her heart didn't really seem to be in it and it fizzled pretty quickly.  I've never quite understood her beef with the unions, especially considering... she's in one.  And not just any union, mind you.  She's a member of the much hated Teacher's Union, scourge of Republicans everywhere.  Thanks to the union, she makes close to six figures and, with tenure, can never be fired.  Without it, she'd be lucky to be making $30K, if she hadn't already been downsized.  I guess cognitive dissonance is just one of those things you learn to live with on the Right.

She gained a little more traction with her main bugaboo.... the "War on Christmas".

As a music teacher, she's on the front lines of the heathen assault to strip the CHRIST out of CHRISTmas.

"They insist on calling it a 'Holiday Concert' or a 'Winter Concert', but I just throw it back in their faces.... it's a 'CHRISTMAS Concert'".

She says parents have complained.

"Mostly it's the Asian or Muslim ones."

Gee, couldn't see that coming.

She's most upset with the kids.

"None of them even know the words to most of the Christmas Carols."  

And really, why would they, being all Buddhist and Muslim and shit?

Evidently the whole thing recently lead to a confrontation with the principal.

"What is he going to do, fire me?  I have tenure."  She said, cluelessly.

At that point, I just walked away.  I find that works best.

Christmas is at their house this year.  Should prove to be a hoot.

The Glorious Fourth

The 4th of July proved to be an amazing day.  We packed up the dogs and schlepped over to my folks house to spend the day.  Years ago my hometown banned "safe & sane" fireworks after one too many houses burned to the ground, but to make up for the loss they started putting on a huge fireworks display at my old high school stadium and according to my mother, we would have a perfect view from the backyard.

We went over early in the morning and my mother and boyfriend spent the day cooking.  He really is the daughter she wished she had and while they were busy in the kitchen I hung out with my father.  Later in the afternoon, the day took a turn for the worse with arrival of my Wingnut sister and her husband.

There really is no punch bowl they won't piss in.  It doesn't matter what the topic of conversation is it's only a matter of time before one of them twists it into a rant about "socialism" and "tyranny".  I swear my sister has Republican Tourettes.  Small talk about baking suddenly veered right and she started sputtering about "Obamacare".  Some conspiracy theory about "the fine print" which according to her was going to enslave us all and make the Baby Jesus cry.  Or something.  I left the room.

Later, her husband decided to share the collected wisdom of Glenn Beck with me.

"Did you know" he said, "that America has the longest continual form of government in the history of mankind?"

Huh?

What about the British monarchy? I asked.

That didn't count, he said, because there were a lot of different kings and queens so it wasn't technically "continuous".  WTF?  Unless we are unknowingly being governed by the desiccated corpse of George Washington, the same could be said of us.  Of course, that would be applying logic and in their alternate Wingnut reality, logic is a liberal conspiracy.

What about the Roman Empire?  The Ming Dynasty?  The Pharaohs?  He dismissed them all with the wave of his hand.  "They don't count."

So... by moving the goalposts and excluding every civilization OTHER than America, America WINS!!!  USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!

They left at dusk, and not a moment too soon.  They must have had a Tea Party rally to attend.  Or maybe there's a curfew at the insane asylum.

The boyfriend and I settled into the Adirondack chairs in the backyard as darkness fell, waiting for the fireworks to begin.  As sort of a pre-show the lawless neighbors on the next block shot off some illegal, yet beautiful aerials.  Someone had obviously been shopping in Mexico.

Around 9:00 we saw the fringes of some fireworks on the horizon, just over the fence.  My heart sank... this was it?  Not much more than a vague glow in the sky?  I went inside where my parents were doing the dishes, seemingly unconcerned about the fireworks.

"We can see something on the horizon, but it isn't much.  I thought you said you could see fireworks from the backyard?" I said.

"Just wait" said my mother.

I went back outside and joined the boyfriend.  There were more bursts of color in the distance but nothing to write home about.  I turned to the boyfriend and said "This sucks.  Maybe we should just head home."  He kind of nodded and we started making the moves to leave when my parents walked out.

"I told you just to wait" said my mom and as if on cue and enormous firework burst overhead, followed by a BOOM that set off every car alarm in the neighborhood.  Then another and another and another.  They were so big it seemed like they were directly overhead.  For twenty minutes we were treated to one of the best fireworks shows I've ever seen.  The dogs weren't too happy.  We had placed them inside to protect their ears but still they howled in a panic.  But I loved every minute of it.  It was the perfect end to a nearly perfect day.

And as usual, mom was right.  "Just wait."